i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
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Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
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Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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