ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
