I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.