some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
