I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
