Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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