Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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