Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
