she looked like the before picture.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
