Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
