btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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