if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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