Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
