dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
