community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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