Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
