Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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