billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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