remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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