my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
