booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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