it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
