Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
