We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
