drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
