I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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