I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
