you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
