Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
