She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
