i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
