remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
