I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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