ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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