Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
