Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
why do cheetos always look like penises
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
