So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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