how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
