I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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