Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
