I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
