I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
