Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
