i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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