I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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