if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
