Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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