dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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