is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he puts the penis in happiness.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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