I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
