and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
