why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
