My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
