last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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