He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
