I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
