Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
